Oct 102013
 

JMM TOMLIN 11 03

There was no Mike Tomlin press conference last week. Pity, considering how pissed Coach T appeared in the aftermath of the Pittsburgh Steelers loss to the Minnesota Vikings, I’m sure it would’ve been highly entertaining even if the questions are being furnished by the cheerleader local media. With the Penguins starting their season and the Pirates continuing to shock the baseball world, the media treated yesterday’s presser like a typical Pittsburgh sports fan: with stunning apathy.

While the sparsely attended affair wrapped in a tidy 15 minutes, there were still several juicy Tomlin nuggets worthy of note (and mockery). Read on!

“We made a critical acquisition in Levi Brown”

Yes, it was absolutely critical they acquired another team’s colossal bust. Is Tomlin even aware this guy was considered expendable by a team with one of the worst offensive lines in football? And now he’s the answer to all our problems?

Good grief.

“He’s [Geno Smith] 3-2 at this point, I’m sure he’d like to be better than that, but it ain’t a bad place to be.”

Ah, 3-2. What I wouldn’t give to be 3-2. Three whole victories! Three happy Sundays! To hold the same lofty record as the Cleveland Browns

DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS SEASON IS DOING TO US?!?

Calvin pace is a solid steady guy outside and a capable rushman”

Tomlin evidently forgot to take his Word of the Day calendar with him on vacation so instead of misusing a new vocabulary word, this week he invented his own.

As an aside, Rushman is by far my favorite Wes Anderson movie.

“Obviously,”

I only note this because Tomlin said it no fewer than a dozen times over the fifteen minute press conference. If my Pitt readers want yet another excuse to get drunk – not that you guys really need one – cue up the presser and take a shot whenever he says “Obviously.” You’ll be bombed in no time.

In the meantime, if everything is so FREAKING OBVIOUS, how come they haven’t corrected any of these OBVIOUS problems yet?

How about the rumored line-up changes. Has Cam Heyward really been elevated to the starting line-up?

“He has and he will play more, deservedly so.”

Cool.

not taking anything away from Ziggy.”

Except, you know, HIS JOB.

“Obviously sometimes game circumstances dictate you take calculated risks in association with the position of quarterback”

That’s Tomlin’s painfully convoluted answer to somebody’s question about whether Ryan Clark was correct in his statement that Ben Roethlisberger needs to dial back the sandlot gunslinger style of play.

“Ben plays a position that is open to criticism and he knows that and i know that particularly when your not winning”

Yeah, criticism…from your OWN TEAMMATE.

“I think he embraces what comes with it.”

Big Ben Drink Like A Champion Today

Forget about the examples, it’s time for Mike [Adams] to roll his sleeves up and go about finding more consistency in his movement and technique.”

Yes, Mike Adams, roll up those sleeves. Perhaps small things like talent and athleticism will fall out like a pack of cigarettes.

“We really didn’t anticipate him [Mike Adams] playing in the manner in which he did.”

Tomlin’s answer to whether he was surprised about how badly Adams was abused against Minnesota. Clearly, Tomlin does not watch game tape because Adams struggling was the second least surprising thing ever.

The least surprising? Tony Romo throwing a pick to lose a game.

“We knew what Allen was capable of as a rushman.”

I would pay serious money for Allen or any player to introduce themselves as “Rushman” next time they have to do one of those silly intros for Sunday Night Football.

Rushman is the new Swaggin’.

“Arrow pointed up in terms of his ]Le’Veon Bell’s] performance and the intangible things that he’s brought to the position thus far.”

There’s another of Tomlin’s new catchphrases – Arrow pointed up. I’m not sure where it’s derived from. If you point an arrow straight up in the air, don’t you run the risk of it landing on your head?

Also, who cares about the intangible things Bell brings to the team? It’s cool he does charity work or brings the veterans donuts or whatever but how does that help us win games on Sunday?

“Steve [McClendon ]has played some good game, obviously he’s had some plays he’d like back, arrow’s pointed up with him and that position.”

YES! Another arrow in the upward direction! Is this how they rank prospects on draft day?

“Who do we take in the 3rd?” “Well, there’s this receiver out of Cal but his arrow’s pointed down.” “What about the tackle, don’t we have his arrow at pointed at three quarters?” “I’d rather roll the dice with the back. He’s fat and slow but his arrow is pointed up.”

This team is driving me insane…

“Professional football isn’t a patient man’s business”

Neither is professional football blogging. I’m tired of waiting. I want a win. Just one single solitary win. WIN A DAMN GAME. PLEASE!

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