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Know Thy Enemy: New England Patriots

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If Mick was right that women weaken legs, Rob Gronkowski will be in a wheelchair on Sunday.

The Baltimore Ravens are considered the biggest rivals of the Pittsburgh Steelers. With all due respect (which is to say, none), I disagree. A true rivalry is borne out of two equals battling to accomplish the same goal. The Ratbirds haven’t beaten the Steelers in a meaningful game since Ben Roethlisberger first stepped foot in Heinz Field. Over the past ten years, they’ve been a good team but not a great one.

No, there are only two teams who can legitimately claim greatness here in the 21st century. The Steelers and the New England Patriots. Over the past decade, the Patriots have appeared in four Super Bowls and won three. The Black and Gold have appeared in three, winning two. If it were not for the Patriots, the Steelers alone would be able to lay claim to the title of the NFL’s premiere franchise.

If that fact weren’t galling enough, our history with the Patriots is as unfortunate as Baltimore’s is with us. Tom Brady is 6-1 against the Steelers, and overall the Patriots are 7-2 against Pittsburgh since Dreamboat took over signal-calling duties up in New England. Even more heart-breaking, the Pats are 3-1 in post-season meetings. More recently, who can forget the Patriots humiliating 39-26 defeat of the Steelers last season?
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Week 7 Recap: Streaks of Yellow

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The [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] defeated a game but over-matched Arizona Cardinals 32-20. It was allegedly a home game for the Cards but whenever CBS cut to a crowd shot, all you saw was a sea of Black and Gold. A bunch of Cardinal fans had pathetic little flags which I assume the locals handed out to counteract the Terrible Towel although it was to no avail. I’m used to Steeler Nation taking over opposing stadiums, to the point I hardly ever mention it in my recaps, but yesterday may have been the largest hostile takeover since Gordon Gekko tried to take over Bluestar Airlines.

The game started off tremendously for the Steelers. Lawrence Timmons batted a Kevin Kolb pass that was intercepted by [intlink id=”60″ type=”category”]Ryan Clark[/intlink]’s mouth. If only we could stuff it with a football. That’s our second interception of the season, by the way. [intlink id=”57″ type=”category”]Troy Polamalu[/intlink] just missed our third on the Cardinal’s next possession when he dropped a ball that hit him between the 4 and the 3. [intlink id=”14″ type=”category”]Ben Roethlisberger[/intlink] capped the drive by hitting Heath Miller for a 12 yard score and when Arizona went three and out on their next drive it seemed the route was on.

Big Ben marched the team into Arizona territory before [intlink id=”85″ type=”category”]Chris Kemoeatu[/intlink] lumbered ten yards down the field like a charging rhinoceros and decided to spear somebody about ten seconds after the play had ended. The personal foul ruined the drive and the Steelers were forced to punt. The Cardinals still couldn’t get anything going and the teams exchanged punts until Ben finally said “Screw it. Go deep!” and hit a streak of yellow aka [intlink id=”82″ type=”category”]Mike Wallace[/intlink] for a 95 yard touchdown bomb.

Then everything fell apart.
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Know Thy Enemy: Houston Texans

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I got a bad feeling about this…

The [intlink id=”20″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] return to the Lone Star State for the first time since last season’s soul-crushing loss in Super Bowl XLV. However, rather than the team who reside at Jerry Jones’ tribute to his minuscule penis, their opponents are the Cowboys’ slacker younger brothers, the Houston Texans. I’m going to level with my dear readers. I’m very very worried about this game. Between the injuries to the offensive line and the shaky secondary, I can’t help feeling like we’re in the Millennium Falcon getting sucked toward the Death Star.

This week, we’re going to do something a bit different in Know Thy Enemy. The aptly named Pat Starr over at the State of the Texans blog kindly agreed to give us the lowdown on his team. After you’re done reading this, click on over to check out my answers to his questions. In the meantime, I’m going to stick to my regular format but insert Pat’s info when appropriate. So text is me, quote block’s are Pat.
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The Last Tango In Pittsburgh

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I wonder if [intlink id=”34″ type=”category”]Hines Ward[/intlink] introduced Kym Johnson to the many wonderful uses of butter…

*Ahem* In my recap of the [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] uninspiring victory over the Indianapolis Colts, I made a comment about [intlink id=”81″ type=”category”]Antonio Brown[/intlink] being the team’s second best receiver. Since nothing can be done about the secondary or offensive line (at least until Kevin Colbert decides to pick up the phone and call either Flozell Adams or Max Starks), I figured that was an idea worth revisiting. And it does tie in to what we saw on Sunday. Trust me, oh ye of little faith.

Obviously the implication of my statement is perennial All-Pro and future Hall of Famer Hines Ward is no longer one of the team’s top two wide outs. Last season, he had the fewest catches and the fewest yards since 2000 (his first year as a starter). Thus far in 2011, he’s on track to post even lower totals. As we near the quarter mark of the season, Hines has caught only 12 balls for a minuscule 117 yards. Project that out and you’re looking at your #2 receiver catching about 45 passes for about 500 yards.
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Week 3 Recap: Flirting With Disaster

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Remember last week when I wrote about uninspiring victories…

For those readers too old to stay up late or those who simply could not stomach the carnage, your [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] managed to squeak by the Indianapolis Colts 23-20 on a last second Shaun Suisham field goal last night on NBC Sunday Night Football. I don’t know what’s more impressive, that Suisham made a clutch kick or that the Steelers were able to find eleven guys to put on the field for the attempt. I don’t know how many ice baths they have in Lucas Oil Stadium but I guarantee there won’t be enough. Perhaps everyone will just have to share.

Pity the poor fool who ends up with Chris Kemoeatu.

The Steelers, ten point favorites according to the leg-breakers out in Vegas, should have lost. If not for absolutely inept quarterbacking by the fearsome duo of Kerry Collins and Curtis Painter, they probably would have. This game basically came down to two plays which determined the final outcome. First was Painter’s overthrow of a wide open Pierre Garcon, who ran a simple slant-and-go route which [intlink id=”101″ type=”category”]Ike Taylor[/intlink] inexplicably bailed on after the slant part. Had Painter completed the pass, there was nothing but 75 yards of green grass and high tides forever.
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Know Thy Enemy: Indianapolis Colts

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Sorry NBC, no take backs.  At least not until week twelve.

The [intlink id=”20″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] face off the Indianapolis Colts in this week’s edition of Sunday Night Football. Steeler Nation will be tuned in from coast to coast. Cris Collinsworth will be in the booth gleefully pointing out every mistake the Steelers make. Faith Hill will be there in her pleasingly tight dress, although sadly she’s chosen not to bring back the sexy hooker boots she wore three years ago.

The only person who won’t be there is Peyton Manning.

Obviously this match-up looked attractive back in June. It’s not like the Colts gave any indication their franchise player would miss the entire season. They signed him to a $69 million dollar contract in late July for crying out loud. Then again, unlike the Steelers and the $29 million they flushed down the crapper on [intlink id=”85″ type=”category”]Willie Colon[/intlink], the Colts were smart enough to insert a buy out clause that gets them off the hook if Manning never steps behind center again.

The point being this game was never the Steelers versus the Colts.  It was going to be Peyton Manning against Blitzburgh. Remove Pey-Pey from the equation and you have an Indianapolis team who are fast becoming the NFL version of the Cleveland Cavaliers sans LeBron.
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Sifting Through The Wreckage Of Steeler Victory

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A couple weeks ago, I attended the Pitt Panthers’ “victory” over the vaunted Black Bears of Maine. Oh, I’m not an alumni but when you’ve spent your collegiate years getting hyped for the annual Nerd Bowl between my beloved alma mater, Carnegie Mellon, and their hated rivals from Case Western, you learn to take what you can get. Besides, I like to visit Heinz Field at least once a year and since Steelers tickets are impossible to get, Pitt games are a reasonable alternative. Hearing the fans in attendance shout “High Octane!” as Pitt and their brand new redneck carpetbagger head coach did everything in their power to lose to a Division I-AA school gave new meaning to “losing by winning.”

That is until Sunday.

Truth be told, I struggled writing my recap of the [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] decimation of the Seattle Seahawks this past weekend. Which is odd not only because it was a rousing victory, but, as my friends and family will tell gladly tell you with with eyes rolling, I’m never at a loss for words when it comes to talking Stillers. But listening to talk radio today where the topic du jour seemed to be Pitt’s impending defection to the ACC (Pittsburgh moved to the Atlantic coast? Clearly the conference commissioners did not attend CMU) rather than the Steelers game, I realized I was not alone. It’s almost as if Sunday’s game was being treated like a meaningless preseason exhibition rather than a legitimate NFL game.
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Week 2 Recap: Steelers Treat Seattle Like Sapps

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NFL analyst Warren Sapp recently derided the Pittsburgh Steelers saying they were “old, slow, and it’s over.” I wonder if he’ll take the drumstick out of his mouth long enough to retract that statement in the wake of the[intlink id=”21″ type=”category”] Steelers[/intlink] 24-0 drubbing of the Seattle Seahawks.  Much like last week, the final score doesn’t accurately reflect the one-sidedness of the actual game.  The old slow Steelers dominated in every facet, amassing 421 yards to the Pigeons meager 164 while tossing their first complete game shut out since 2008.  Sadly, that’s one more than the Pirates have had this year.

[intlink id=”52″ type=”category”]James Harrison[/intlink], who was nearly invisible last week, played like a man possessed. [intlink id=”57″ type=”category”]Troy Polamalu[/intlink], whom Sapp mocked for whiffing on a tackle of Ed Dickson, led the team with 8 tackles including one sack while also defensing one pass which should have gone for a Pick Six.  To give you an idea of how thorough a whupping Dick LeBeau’s men laid on Seattle, the Seahawks didn’t venture into Steeler territory until well into the fourth quarter. Not that the Steelers didn’t display areas where they could still improve. Bryant McFadden did not play, leaving [intlink id=”96″ type=”category”]Will.i.am Gay[/intlink] to offer comfy 5 yard cushions to our guests. It also afforded Keenan Lewis his first extended look against actual NFL competition. Both failed to distinguish themselves, playing loose coverage which would spell disaster against a more capable quarterback.
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