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Know Thy Enemy: Houston Texans

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I got a bad feeling about this…

The [intlink id=”20″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] return to the Lone Star State for the first time since last season’s soul-crushing loss in Super Bowl XLV. However, rather than the team who reside at Jerry Jones’ tribute to his minuscule penis, their opponents are the Cowboys’ slacker younger brothers, the Houston Texans. I’m going to level with my dear readers. I’m very very worried about this game. Between the injuries to the offensive line and the shaky secondary, I can’t help feeling like we’re in the Millennium Falcon getting sucked toward the Death Star.

This week, we’re going to do something a bit different in Know Thy Enemy. The aptly named Pat Starr over at the State of the Texans blog kindly agreed to give us the lowdown on his team. After you’re done reading this, click on over to check out my answers to his questions. In the meantime, I’m going to stick to my regular format but insert Pat’s info when appropriate. So text is me, quote block’s are Pat.
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Brad Pitt Doesn’t Like Steelers’ Chances

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I saw Brad Pitt’s new movie Moneyball this past weekend. What else was I gonna see? Taylor Lautner running for his life through PNC Park? Not only does werewolf boy have the acting chops of Oscar the Grouch, that’s the worst strategy ever. When you’re fleeing from hitmen, you should stick to populated areas.

It was an okay flick. Certainly better than it had any right to be given the source material. I absolutely loathed the book and the cult of statheads it inspired. What kills me is the vast majority of the people who parrot these made up statistics probably never advanced beyond basic calculus. When I took a high level statistics course at Carnegie Mellon, my professor introduced himself on the very first day by saying, “I’m going to be honest with you. Statistics can be manipulated to prove anything.”

Sadly, the stathead parrots lack the education necessary to grasp this simple fact. Instead they quote WAR or EqA or BABIP like they’re actual meaningful numbers without any context or understanding of the completely arbitrary way at which they’re arrived. It’s one of the reasons I can’t stand reading most online baseball blogs. Instead of talking about what we can see with our own eyes, they spill pages and pages of digital ink repeating made up statistics which provide no actual insight.
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The Last Tango In Pittsburgh

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I wonder if [intlink id=”34″ type=”category”]Hines Ward[/intlink] introduced Kym Johnson to the many wonderful uses of butter…

*Ahem* In my recap of the [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] uninspiring victory over the Indianapolis Colts, I made a comment about [intlink id=”81″ type=”category”]Antonio Brown[/intlink] being the team’s second best receiver. Since nothing can be done about the secondary or offensive line (at least until Kevin Colbert decides to pick up the phone and call either Flozell Adams or Max Starks), I figured that was an idea worth revisiting. And it does tie in to what we saw on Sunday. Trust me, oh ye of little faith.

Obviously the implication of my statement is perennial All-Pro and future Hall of Famer Hines Ward is no longer one of the team’s top two wide outs. Last season, he had the fewest catches and the fewest yards since 2000 (his first year as a starter). Thus far in 2011, he’s on track to post even lower totals. As we near the quarter mark of the season, Hines has caught only 12 balls for a minuscule 117 yards. Project that out and you’re looking at your #2 receiver catching about 45 passes for about 500 yards.
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Week 3 Recap: Flirting With Disaster

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Remember last week when I wrote about uninspiring victories…

For those readers too old to stay up late or those who simply could not stomach the carnage, your [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] managed to squeak by the Indianapolis Colts 23-20 on a last second Shaun Suisham field goal last night on NBC Sunday Night Football. I don’t know what’s more impressive, that Suisham made a clutch kick or that the Steelers were able to find eleven guys to put on the field for the attempt. I don’t know how many ice baths they have in Lucas Oil Stadium but I guarantee there won’t be enough. Perhaps everyone will just have to share.

Pity the poor fool who ends up with Chris Kemoeatu.

The Steelers, ten point favorites according to the leg-breakers out in Vegas, should have lost. If not for absolutely inept quarterbacking by the fearsome duo of Kerry Collins and Curtis Painter, they probably would have. This game basically came down to two plays which determined the final outcome. First was Painter’s overthrow of a wide open Pierre Garcon, who ran a simple slant-and-go route which [intlink id=”101″ type=”category”]Ike Taylor[/intlink] inexplicably bailed on after the slant part. Had Painter completed the pass, there was nothing but 75 yards of green grass and high tides forever.
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Know Thy Enemy: Indianapolis Colts

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Sorry NBC, no take backs.  At least not until week twelve.

The [intlink id=”20″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] face off the Indianapolis Colts in this week’s edition of Sunday Night Football. Steeler Nation will be tuned in from coast to coast. Cris Collinsworth will be in the booth gleefully pointing out every mistake the Steelers make. Faith Hill will be there in her pleasingly tight dress, although sadly she’s chosen not to bring back the sexy hooker boots she wore three years ago.

The only person who won’t be there is Peyton Manning.

Obviously this match-up looked attractive back in June. It’s not like the Colts gave any indication their franchise player would miss the entire season. They signed him to a $69 million dollar contract in late July for crying out loud. Then again, unlike the Steelers and the $29 million they flushed down the crapper on [intlink id=”85″ type=”category”]Willie Colon[/intlink], the Colts were smart enough to insert a buy out clause that gets them off the hook if Manning never steps behind center again.

The point being this game was never the Steelers versus the Colts.  It was going to be Peyton Manning against Blitzburgh. Remove Pey-Pey from the equation and you have an Indianapolis team who are fast becoming the NFL version of the Cleveland Cavaliers sans LeBron.
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Greg Lloyd Hates Roger Goodell Too

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And you thought [intlink id=”52″ type=”category”]James Harrison[/intlink] didn’t like [intlink id=”8″ type=”category”]Roger Goodell[/intlink]…

Welcome to F-bomb week here at Total Steelers. The video above comes from the aftermath of the AFC Championship game where the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Indianapolis Colts (and future 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh) to punch a ticket to their first Super Bowl in fifteen years. Yes, that’s [intlink id=”49″ type=”category”]Bill Cowher[/intlink] you see at the beginning of the clip.  It saddens me when shortsighted Steeler fans try to argue how Mike Tomlin is such a better coach than the Chin “because he’s won two AFC Championship games” as if the two Cowher won (in addition to appearing in four others) somehow don’t count. When Tomlin wins one with a quarterback comparable to Neil Freakin’ O’Donnell, then we’ll talk.

Greg Lloyd was a bad bad man. As the Steel Dynasty of the 70s slowly faded away, the Black and Gold maintained their tradition of superior linebacking into the 80s, most notably Mike Merriwether and David Little. But it wasn’t until Lloyd became a permanent member of the starting line-up in 1989 (not coincidentally, Chuck Noll’s final playoff team) that the Steelers D regained the ferocious reputation the Steel Curtain had originated a decade prior. Harbaugh famously told an interviewer he wasn’t afraid of anything until he played against Greg Lloyd.
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Colts Fans Dropping The F-Bomb

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Some people never miss an episode of Ice Road Truckers. Others can’t get enough reruns of 2½ Men.  By the way, sorry Ashton Kutcher, you’re good but you’re still no Charlie Sheen.  Me?  I never miss a [intlink id=”86″ type=”category”]Mike Tomlin[/intlink] press conference. Oh, I don’t watch because I’m interested in his injury reports (he constantly lies about those) or his strategy for the Pittsburgh Steelers upcoming opponents (ditto).

I simply watch for the hilarity. From his grand pronouncements (“Unleash Hell!) to his ridiculous Tomlinisms (“The standard is the standard.”) to his bizarre non-sequitors (“We were grape squashers.”), no coach is as thoroughly entertaining as Mike Tomlin. I wish the Steelers sold tickets to his pressers because at least you can be assured of a solid 15-20 minutes of set-ups and punchlines. That’s certainly more than you can say about a Dane Cook concert.
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Sifting Through The Wreckage Of Steeler Victory

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A couple weeks ago, I attended the Pitt Panthers’ “victory” over the vaunted Black Bears of Maine. Oh, I’m not an alumni but when you’ve spent your collegiate years getting hyped for the annual Nerd Bowl between my beloved alma mater, Carnegie Mellon, and their hated rivals from Case Western, you learn to take what you can get. Besides, I like to visit Heinz Field at least once a year and since Steelers tickets are impossible to get, Pitt games are a reasonable alternative. Hearing the fans in attendance shout “High Octane!” as Pitt and their brand new redneck carpetbagger head coach did everything in their power to lose to a Division I-AA school gave new meaning to “losing by winning.”

That is until Sunday.

Truth be told, I struggled writing my recap of the [intlink id=”21″ type=”category”]Pittsburgh Steelers[/intlink] decimation of the Seattle Seahawks this past weekend. Which is odd not only because it was a rousing victory, but, as my friends and family will tell gladly tell you with with eyes rolling, I’m never at a loss for words when it comes to talking Stillers. But listening to talk radio today where the topic du jour seemed to be Pitt’s impending defection to the ACC (Pittsburgh moved to the Atlantic coast? Clearly the conference commissioners did not attend CMU) rather than the Steelers game, I realized I was not alone. It’s almost as if Sunday’s game was being treated like a meaningless preseason exhibition rather than a legitimate NFL game.
Read More »Sifting Through The Wreckage Of Steeler Victory