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Jarvis Jones

Know Thy Enemy: Minnesota Vikings

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There’s a sight rarer than Todd Haley’s El Camino Comet, the Blood Moon, and a solar eclipse all rolled into one. Yes, the Cleveland Browns can say they are ahead of the Pittsburgh Steelers in the standings. In a bit of scheduled irony, the Browns’ victim last Sunday is this week’s opponent for the Black and Gold. Let’s hope for a similar result because I really don’t think I could live with losing to a team that lost to Cleveland.

The Minnesota Vikings are not a particularly good team. Then again, neither are the Steelers since we’re both 0-3. Complicating matters is the game will be played at Wembley Stadium in London, England. Minny has been overseas since Tuesday while Mike Tomlin and crew decided to hop a red-eye last night in order to arrive in London on Friday morning (their time). Hopefully, this is one strategy which pays off.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Minnesota Vikings

Know Thy Enemy: Da Bears

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The Pittsburgh Steelers play their second nation game in as many weeks when they host the Chicago Bears on NBC’s Sunday Night Football.  Da Bears are 2-0 after two razor close wins over the Bungles and Vikings. The Steelers are… Well, no need to rehash the state of misery the Black and Gold have found themselves in after a truly wretched start to the season.

In the past 23 years, only 22 teams that started 0-2 have made the playoffs. During that same time frame, a grand total of 3 have made it after starting 0-3. So as bad as the Steelers have looked the first two games, there could still be hope if they win this week. That’s because after this week their schedule softens considerably – Jets, Bills, Raiders, two games against the Browns, who all but raised a white flag over the Factory of Sadness by trading Trent Richardson on Wednesday – to the point we could look up two months from now and find ourselves 5-5. Then it’s just a matter of getting hot down the stretch.

But for all that to happen, the Steelers must – MUST – beat the Bears.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Da Bears

Start ‘Em Or Sit ‘Em, Steelers Edition

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Since head coach Mike Tomlin doesn’t think it’s “time to press the panic button,” I don’t expect to see significant changes to the line-up when the Pittsburgh Steelers meet the Chicago Bears on Sunday Night. To paraphrase Trib columnist Dejan Kovacevic, he seems content to keep banging his head against the wall. Too bad when Tomlin was busy looking up big fancy words to use incorrectly during his press conference, he didn’t bother taking a look at the definition of insanity.

in·san·i·ty [inˈsanitē/] – doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result

Maybe the Steeler don’t need to push the panic button. But they for damn sure need to make some changes. Every week, fantasy football gurus do some version of a Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em column where they list various players and describe why or why not you should start them on your team. In that spirit, I’ll list a handful of Steelers and explain why they should or shouldn’t see more playing time going forward.Read More »Start ‘Em Or Sit ‘Em, Steelers Edition

Tomlin Press Conference: No Shit, Sherlock

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Yesterday was Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin‘s weekly liefest/press conference. Since not enough Steeler fans have gotten the message what an jive-talkin’ assclown their coach truly is, I’m stealing a page from the Kissing Suzy Kolber playbook and transcribing Tomlin’s actual words from his weekly press conference so everybody can see what a goof he actually is.

Without further ado, let’s begin with Coach T’s expert analysis on why the Steelers have yet to win a game in 2013:Read More »Tomlin Press Conference: No Shit, Sherlock

Know Thy Enemy: Cincinnati Bengals

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Heeeeee’s Baaaacckkk…

Tonight marks the first meeting of the season between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals. Tonight also marks the first time ex-Steeler James Harrison will face his former team. If you watched any of HBO’s Hard Knocks series, you know Harrison is an angry man. And one has to think a portion of that anger is directed towards the Black and Gold.

Whether it was time for Deebo to move on or not, Harrison played his entire career with a chip on his shoulder. It fueled him to become a multi-time Pro Bowler despite being an undersized linebacker undrafted out of Kent State. It has also fueled his penchant for being a vicious headhunting sociopath. After years spent defending Harrison’s repeated attempts to cripple and maim opponents, tonight we’ll get a chance to see how it feels when we are that opponent.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Cincinnati Bengals

Jarvis Jones To Start On Monday Night

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I’ve been hard on the Pittsburgh Steelers the past few days. So today I’ll try my best to be positive. Luckily, there are finally signs of intelligent life emanating from their moronic coaching staff. Oops, does that count as negativity? Anyway, rookie linebacker Jarvis Jones is slated to start at outside linebacker Monday Night against the Bengals.

In my game recap – and I don’t blame anybody for never wanting to relive that rancid dumpster fire – I credited the defense for keeping the team in the game. I also pointed out while they did a good job of limiting damage, they once still aren’t changing the game like the great Steelers defenses of the past. One sack and zero turnovers simply won’t get it done.Read More »Jarvis Jones To Start On Monday Night

Week One Recap: As Bad As It Gets

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The Pittsburgh Steelers suffered several injuries in their 16-9 loss to the Tennessee Titans. Zoltan Mesko is not listed among the casualties. I’m sure he spent the better part of the evening icing down his foot, though. Poor Zoltan did more punting yesterday than he did all last season for the New England Patriots.

I can safely say the Black and Gold put on the worst display of offensive football I’ve seen in my thirty odd years of yinzer-hood. Worse than when they had a guy named Walter Abercrombie lining up in the backfield. Worse than when they were being quarterbacked by Bubby Brister. Worse than the glory days of Mark Malone.

Words cannot describe how inept the Steelers appeared on offense. When Ben Roethlisberger hit Jerricho Cotchery for the team’s lone touchdown with a minute and a half left in the game, I actually saw people on Twitter posting “Nice of the offense to finally show up.” That’s insane. The offense never showed up yesterday. NEVER.Read More »Week One Recap: As Bad As It Gets

Know Thy Enemy: Tennessee Titans

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Finally, football has returned to Pittsburgh…

After an unusually long off-season following a disappointing 8-8 campaign, the Pittsburgh Steelers will take the field hoping a dubious mix of aging veterans and unproven youngsters will lead them back to the promised land. First up this Sunday is an appointment with the Tennessee Titans at Heinz Field.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Tennessee Titans

Worilds, Redman Named Starters

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With a T-minus five days left until the Pittsburgh Steelers kick off the 2013 season against the Tennessee Titans,  the team has finally declared a winner in a couple of the preseason’s key position battles. Jason Worilds inherits James Harrison‘s old spot at outside linebacker. Meanwhile, Isaac Redman will be the Black and Gold’s featured back, at least until rookie Le’Veon Bell can work himself back from injury.

Neither of these developments are particularly surprising.  Read More »Worilds, Redman Named Starters

Steelers Final Preseason Game Tonight (Whew!)

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Tonight, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel down to Charlotte for their annual preseason meeting with the Carolina Panthers. Why do we always play the Panthers, you may ask? Because Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is a card-carrying member of the FOD (Friends of Dan, as in Rooney). So while the Rooneys and the Richardsons sip Mint Juleps and discuss tee times up in the owners box, we get to see the Panthers at least once every year. Yippee.

To make a meaningless game even more meaningless, this is the fourth and final game of the preseason for the Black and Gold. The fourth game is the one where coaches are most careful. Anybody with so much as an ingrown toenail sits out because nobody wants to lose a player one short week away from the regular season. Last year, Mike Tomlin announced half the starting line-up wasn’t even going to be in uniform. As of this writing, Coach T hasn’t said much other than Landry Jones would be seeing the bulk of the playing time.

In other words, feel free to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates unless you’re a degenerate gambler who bet on this game or you really really have a thing for young Landry.Read More »Steelers Final Preseason Game Tonight (Whew!)