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Tomlin Press Conference: No Shit, Sherlock

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Yesterday was Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin‘s weekly liefest/press conference. Since not enough Steeler fans have gotten the message what an jive-talkin’ assclown their coach truly is, I’m stealing a page from the Kissing Suzy Kolber playbook and transcribing Tomlin’s actual words from his weekly press conference so everybody can see what a goof he actually is.

Without further ado, let’s begin with Coach T’s expert analysis on why the Steelers have yet to win a game in 2013:

“The most significant reason is we’re 0-2 is we’re not scoring enough points”

Wow, what brilliant insight. It’s almost like listening to Bill Walsh, Don Shula, and Paul Brown discuss the intricate principles behind the game of football. I can’t believe a man capable of such keen analysis still hasn’t been able to rectify the problem. It’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma!

Or, in more succinct terms… No shit, Sherlock.

“The running game was below the line but I was encouraged by Felix Jones and what he’ll be able to do moving forward.”


Felix Jones had 10 carries for 37 yards in the first half. Zero carries in the second half. Okay, a 3.7 yard average isn’t going to make Adrian Peterson lose sleep at night but it’s better than what One Yard Redman gives you.

Here’s and idea… If a player encourages you, stick with him!

“I thought he [Center Fernando Velasco] made positive contributions to our efforts.”

Tomlinspeak for “He played good.”

“Obviously, when you pick the pace of the offense up, it limits what defenses can do from a personnel standpoint, maybe even from a menu standpoint”

Tomlin’s answer to why the No-Huddle gave the inept Steelers offense its lone fleeting moment of competency.

Nothing particularly insightful there, either, I just like that instead of saying “scheme” or “formations,” he says “menu.”

So, Coach T, will we be seeing more of the No-Huddle since it seems to be the only thing that works?

“But those things are short-lived.”

Oh. Guess not.

“He [Markus Wheaton] hasn’t been a target a lot. Hopefully, that will increase as we move forward.”

Hopefully? HOPEFULLY?

Are you not the head coach? Doesn’t the head coach have some sort of say in who plays and who doesn’t? Since when does the head coach have to wish upon a star that a player gets a chance to play?

“There’s been a problem with our functioning.”

I think Jimmy Johnson still does infomercials for little blue pills that help guys with their “functioning.”

Or is that Joe Theismann?

“There’s been a problem with our production. There’s been a problem with our points. You can point to whatever you want to.”

How about C) All of the above?

A problem with “our points” cracks me up. Yeah, the problem is you haven’t been scoring any. It’s nice that you recognize that, how about doing something to try and fix it?

“We’re not going to push the panic button.”

19 points, 75 total rushing yards, a QB getting hit on nearly every pass play and an 0-2 start is certainly no time to panic.

Stay the course. I’m sure the ship will right itself eventually.