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Tomlin Press Conference: No Shit, Sherlock

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JMM TOMLIN 11 03

Yesterday was Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin‘s weekly liefest/press conference. Since not enough Steeler fans have gotten the message what an jive-talkin’ assclown their coach truly is, I’m stealing a page from the Kissing Suzy Kolber playbook and transcribing Tomlin’s actual words from his weekly press conference so everybody can see what a goof he actually is.

Without further ado, let’s begin with Coach T’s expert analysis on why the Steelers have yet to win a game in 2013:Read More »Tomlin Press Conference: No Shit, Sherlock

Week 2 Recap: Bungling Their Way To Victory

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ben-roethlisberger

“There’s a certain amount of misery with the position that we’re in. We’ll wear it. We don’t like it. We’ll wear it.” – Mike Tomlin

If the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-10 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals was an article of clothing, it’d be a pair of bowling shoes. Stinky ugly bowling shoes. Coach T was gracious about crediting Cincy for playing well during his post-game cliche-fest. All I’ll say is that if the Bengals are the class of the AFC North, then our division has quickly become the Big East of the NFL.

In my game preview, I mentioned this being the year quarterback Andy Dalton needed to take his game to the next level. The Ginger Rifle responded by playing a hideous game. Overthrows, underthrows, missing wide open receivers, Dalton did his best to keep the Steelers in the game. Unfortunately, the Black and Gold were in an even more charitable mood.Read More »Week 2 Recap: Bungling Their Way To Victory

Know Thy Enemy: Cincinnati Bengals

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Heeeeee’s Baaaacckkk…

Tonight marks the first meeting of the season between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals. Tonight also marks the first time ex-Steeler James Harrison will face his former team. If you watched any of HBO’s Hard Knocks series, you know Harrison is an angry man. And one has to think a portion of that anger is directed towards the Black and Gold.

Whether it was time for Deebo to move on or not, Harrison played his entire career with a chip on his shoulder. It fueled him to become a multi-time Pro Bowler despite being an undersized linebacker undrafted out of Kent State. It has also fueled his penchant for being a vicious headhunting sociopath. After years spent defending Harrison’s repeated attempts to cripple and maim opponents, tonight we’ll get a chance to see how it feels when we are that opponent.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Cincinnati Bengals

Let’s Watch ESPN Talk About The Steelers

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I avoid ESPN like the plague. I know it’s cliche to hate on the Four Letter but their virtual monopoly on the televised sports world never ceases to depress me. There is no player their hype machine can’t make me sick of, no team their smothering coverage can’t turn me against. If excess were a virtue, that network would be as pious as their man-crush, Tim Tebow.

One particularly irksome trend involves Pittsburgh sports teams. Since we’re a small market, the Four Letter deems us beneath their notice. The Pirates are the story of the year in MLB yet they’d rather put the 30 game out Phillies on Sunday Night Baseball than our Battlin’ Bucs. And hockey, well, even when they owned the rights to the NHL they barely covered hockey.

And then we have the Pittsburgh Steelers. Being one of the NFL’s premier franchises, ESPN couldn’t exactly ignore the Black and Gold like they do our other teams. However, they did certainly tried their best. While the Steelers were going to three Super Bowls in six, all they wanted to talk about was the Dallas Cowboys. It was infuriating but typical ESPN.Read More »Let’s Watch ESPN Talk About The Steelers

Todd Haley Pounding Brews, Dissing Bros

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Haley Beer Bar

A common cliche attributed to NFL fans is that “the most popular person on the team is the backup quarterback.” When it comes to fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers, only an insane few would like to see Bruce Gradkowski behind center. No, when it comes to Steeler Nation, the cliche needs modified a bit. To them, the most popular coach on the team is the ex-offensive coordinator.

When Ken Whisenhunt was here, we couldn’t wait to bring someone in who’d turn Ben Roethlisberger loose. When Bruce Arians was in charge, there was endless bitching ( from me as well) that he threw too much and they needed to get back to Stiller Football. Now Arians is gone and to read Twitter, you’d think he was the most beloved coach in Black and Gold history. Meanwhile, his successor, Todd Haley, takes most of the blame for the team’s inept performance.

Well, this story isn’t going to win Boss Todd any new fans.Read More »Todd Haley Pounding Brews, Dissing Bros

Jarvis Jones To Start On Monday Night

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Jarvis+Jones+Pittsburgh+Steelers+Rookie+Camp+MpDRnJgH4uTl

I’ve been hard on the Pittsburgh Steelers the past few days. So today I’ll try my best to be positive. Luckily, there are finally signs of intelligent life emanating from their moronic coaching staff. Oops, does that count as negativity? Anyway, rookie linebacker Jarvis Jones is slated to start at outside linebacker Monday Night against the Bengals.

In my game recap – and I don’t blame anybody for never wanting to relive that rancid dumpster fire – I credited the defense for keeping the team in the game. I also pointed out while they did a good job of limiting damage, they once still aren’t changing the game like the great Steelers defenses of the past. One sack and zero turnovers simply won’t get it done.Read More »Jarvis Jones To Start On Monday Night

Redman To Start Against Bengals

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Back to the Future (1985)

The Pittsburgh Steelers displayed a laughable rushing attack last Sunday against Tennessee. How do they propose to fix this problem? By starting the same guy who shat the bed last Sunday!

Yes, Isaac Redman will start at running back Monday night against the Cincinnati Bengals.

And herein lies one of the big problems with the Steelers. Nobody has talked more than I have about what a bunch of arrogant, lazy, self-serving posers they have on that team. However, nice guys don’t win football games. Talent does.Read More »Redman To Start Against Bengals

Tomlin Press Conference: Candy And Nuts

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NFL: FEB 01 Super Bowl XLIII - Cardinals v Steelers

There’s an old saying: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts every day would be Christmas.

Clearly this is one glib sentiment Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin is not familiar with.

Yesterday was the first weekly lie-fest aka Mike Tomlin press conference. For those new to my blog, allow me to break it down for you. It’s the one day a week Tomlin must go before the local cheerleaders media and answer their questions with cliches, double-speak, and outright lies. The media then takes these asinine answers and reports on them as if they honestly believe the line of BS they’re being fed. Perhaps they do.Read More »Tomlin Press Conference: Candy And Nuts

Suisham Hurt, Shayne Graham New Kicker

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NFL: NOV 21 Raiders at Steelers

In my recap of the Pittsburgh Steelers embarrassing defeat by the Titans, I made a joke about punter Zoltan Mesko being sore. Turns out, I inadvertently spoke some truth. No, he’s not hurt. And, no, he didn’t punt more times in a single game than he did all season. He did punt more times in a single game than he ever has in his career, though.

Considering the state of the Steelers offense, that mark may be in jeopardy next week.

While Zoltan is fine and dandy, his fellow non-football player is not. Lost in the team’s disastrous performance was news that kicker StoneCold Shaun Suisham sprained his hamstring and is expected to be out about a month. And you wonder why I make fun of kickers. Dude made three kicks, THREE KICKS, and got hurt?Read More »Suisham Hurt, Shayne Graham New Kicker

Steelers Re-Sign Dwyer, Add Velasco

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In the wake of the season-ending injury to running back LaRod Stephens-Howling, I dismissed the notion of the Pittsburgh Steelers re-signing running back Jonathan Dwyer. Yesterday, the Steelers re-signed Jonathan Dwyer.

The reason for my doubt is that the Steelers seem to hate Dwyer. I have no idea why. While other players spent their off-season getting stabbed over trucks or going on drunken rampages down the South Side, Dwyer spent his time losing weight and getting into shape with an eye toward winning the starting running back job. Yet, for whatever reason, the coaches had no intentions of giving him a chance.Read More »Steelers Re-Sign Dwyer, Add Velasco