Oct 172013
 

pittsburgh-steelers-head-coach-mike-tomlin

The wait is over! Rejoice! No, I’m not talking about that long anticipated first victory by the Pittsburgh Steelers. I’m not even talking about our long sought after first turnover of the season.

Of course I’m talking about our hotly anticipated analysis of head coach Mike Tomlin‘s weekly press conference. I have to confess, these things are a lot funner to do after a Steelers loss. Which doesn’t mean I’m rooting for them to lose, even if the team is comprised of a bunch of unlikable asshats. It also doesn’t mean Coach T didn’t provide us with a wealth of hilarious quotes.

So read on…and don’t forget to check out Tomlin’s press conference for yourself:

I thought the situational splash plays contributed to our efforts

Indeed they did, Mike. Which splash play do you think was key?

a touchdown offensively occurred

You know the Steelers offense has been struggling when a single solitary touchdown qualifies as a “splash play.”

A third down screen to Antonio Brown where we got 16 yards

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A guy suffered a significant injury in a pregame warm up

That would be Levi Brown, erstwhile starting left tackle.

He’s been placed on IR, will have surgery

And thus ends his glorious Steeler career.

So, Mike, what do you think of this development?

I’ve been in this league a number of years this is probably only the second time I’ve ever been around that

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They [The Ravens] picked up Monroe, the tackle from Jacksonville

Oh you mean the LEFT TACKLE that STARTED for the Ratbirds this past Sunday? If only the Steelers could acquire players like that…

Tell us more about our upcoming opponents, Coach T.

Joe Flacco is still doing Joe Flacco type things

Which would be?

Flares or screens or check downs

That’s what six years $120 million buys you, folks.

We continue to prepare to give us the very best chance to play A ball, we believe A ball is enough to win under any circumstances

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It looked like the running game was a little bit better this week…

That was actually a question posed by one of the media cheerleaders.

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The top is the rushing stats against Minnesota. The bottom is last week.

On what planet do you drop from 3.7 to 2.8 YPC and improve?

Obviously the numbers don’t exhibit great success

Obviously the reporter is a kiss-ass. Or simply ignorant.

By the way, this weeks Obviously Count: 18

I was not displeased with Le’Veon Bell and his performance in any way

Well that’s comforting to know.  Was there anybody you were displeased with?

Perhaps Emmanuel Sanders for his idiotic somersault celebration?

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So I take it you’ve banned somersault celebrations?

That would be very correct

It was your decision?

Absolutely

May we ask why?

Because its a potential for injury. It’s silly

If you click on the presser link above, fast forward to the 9 minute mark when the above exchange occurs about the banning of those type celebrations. Words cannot do justice to the Stare of Death that Tomlin gives the reporter.

I think we kicked 4 field goals in the [Jets] game and that’s potentially a recipe for disaster

Not scoring touchdowns could come back to bite you? That’s the kind of keen tactical insight you only get at a Mike Tomlin press conference!

We believe we have dynamic return people

You mean like Antonio “Fair Catch” Brown?

Tell us more about these dynamic return people.

We have yet to put together a dynamic return

Oh. So you think they’re dynamic despite no tangible proof that they are dynamic. That’s the problem with the way this team is assembled in a nutshell.

They thought Marcus Gilbert and/or Mike Adams could play left tackle despite no evidence they could play there. They thought Manny Sanders could be a #2 receiver despite never being any better than a mediocre #3. They thought Jason Worilds could start at outside linebacker despite never generating a single sack through sheer talent.

At some point, guys should have to actually PROVE they can do a job before they are handed a job.

Ryan [Clark] is a very seasoned communicator

If by “He’s never met a microphone he wouldn’t talk into” is seasoned, yes, Ryan Clark is more than seasoned. He’s fricasseed.

So, Coach T, do you have any problem with your loudmouth safety going on ESPN and giving his unasked for opinion on how to play quarterback?

I assume they’re gonna say appropriate things

Throwing Ben Roethlisberger under the bus is appropriate?

To wrap this up, now that the team has won a game, will ping-pong and shuffleboard privileges be restored?

We’re gonna continue to turn over whatever stone is necessary to produce the outcome similar to last week

I guess that’s a no. In fact, reading between the lines, Tomlin is saying if they don’t keep winning, more toys will be taken away. Hear that you slackers? Lose to Baltimore and the Ding-Dongs and HoHos are the next to go!

Lose two in a row and I can only shudder at the drastic measures he’ll take. First it’s table games, next it’s snack cakes and then who knows? Don’t make Mike Tomlin angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Let’s hope he turns over some necessary stones this week so we can all meet back here next week after a joyous victory over our hated nemesis. Until then, I obviously wish you to obviously enjoy the rest of your day, obviously.

 

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