Jan 132014
 

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I’ve watched every minute of every Super Bowl from the opening kick-off through the trophy presentation since the New York Giants crushed the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXI way back in 1987. Except for last year. Oh, I watched the entire game, from the embarrassing power outage all the way until the blatant pass interference that ended the San Francisco 49ers comeback bid. Immediately after that ridiculous non-call, I turned on my PS3 and set to blowing stuff up because I’d rather have a colonic with a rusty drainpipe than watch the Baltimore Ravens hoist the Lombardi Trophy.

Between the Brothers Harbaugh meeting in a battle of epic assholes to the endless stories about what a gift to humanity Stabby McStabberson Ray Lewis has been since the pesky little murder he aided and abetted ten years ago, they couldn’t have picked a worse Super Bowl for fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

This year’s match-up won’t be the Worst Super Bowl Ever but it’ll be damn close.

Last week, Steeler Nation had plenty to cheer for. On Saturday, walrus-faced fatass Andy Reid got his karmic comeuppance for resting his starters in week 17 – thus depriving the Steelers a shot at the playoffs – when approximately 19 starters got injured and his team was bounced after blowing a 28 point led. On Sunday, the Cincinnati Bengals lived up (down?) to their Bungles heritage by doing their customary one-and-done act. Sure the NFC results didn’t exactly go our way but the Philadelphia Eagles lost thus ensuring our mouth-breathing cross-state brethren have nothing to celebrate. It was a good weekend.

This week, however, all the results were reversed. In the AFC, we’re doomed to a match-up between Tom Brady and Peyton Manning with the winner getting a two week blowjob from the obnoxious media. I suppose the Broncos are the lesser of two evils but, man, is it hard to cheer for any team led by Pey-Pey. The final two are no more appealing over in the NFC. As if not wanting San Fran to tie the Black and Gold at six Lombardii wasn’t reason enough to root against them, the Niners have clearly decided to take on the personality of head coach Jim Harbaugh and become a team full of punks, posers, and arrogant dickheads. While the Seattle Seahawks would appear to be “the good guys” in this scenario, it’s hard for a Pittsburgher to show them support after their obnoxious latte sipping hipster fanbase whined and cried emo tears for the past seven years over getting their asses kicked by the Steelers in Super Bowl XL.

The bottom line is no matter who wins the championship games next Sunday, Super Bowl XLVIII is going to feature a couple of extremely unlikable teams. Even Broncos-Seahawks, perhaps the least offensive outcome, has a high annoyance quotient for Steeler Nation. I suppose any game not featuring the Steelers is really a good game but at least in past seasons there was something to latch onto like Eli Manning‘s improbable quest to end the Patriots perfect season. This season, though, we have no such luck.

No matter how it all shakes out, the Bad Guys have already won.

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