Cincinnati Bengals Archives - Total Steelers ยป Total Steelers

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This past weekend was a bittersweet affair for fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. On Saturday, we had the pleasure of watching the well-rested Kansas City Chiefs piss away a 28 point led like fat schlub Andy Reid pisses away his time outs. Even if KC had managed to win, they wouldn’t have had any players left after losing approximately 29 different players over the course of the game. Gee, it sure was a smart move to bench all your starters that final week of the season, wasn’t it you walrus-faced assclown? When are idiot NFL head coaches going to learn taking a week off NEVER HELPS?

I do have to admit, Andy Reid schadenfreude is the best schadenfreude. Continue reading »

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When I was a kid, I wrote letters to Santa. Times really have changed. What that young Bengals fan doesn’t realize – besides the fact he’s in for a lifetime of disappointment – is that success is the best revenge.

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Terence Garvin was slapped with a $25,000 fine for destroying Cincinnati Bengals punter Kevin Huber last Sunday night. C’mon, you didn’t really think Roger Goodell was going to let a Steeler get away with laying somebody out on national TV, did you? With a defense full of pansies and lousy tacklers, the Ginger Dictator has had precious few opportunities to indulge his favorite hobby of fining Steelers for playing football this season. His catered lunch slush fund must be dwindling dangerously low. Continue reading »

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bengalspunter

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas…

The Pittsburgh Steelers laid a mighty whuppin’ on the Cincinnati Bengals, temporarily keeping their slim playoff hopes alive with a 30-20 victory on Sunday Night Football. The final score doesn’t accurately reflect how one-sided this game actually was. The Black and Gold roared out to a 21-0 lead in the first quarter and basically coasted the rest of the way. Meanwhile, Cincy never seemed to get on track, repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot with mistakes or ill-timed penalties. As Cris Collinsworth, a former Bungle, said after one of their players got flagged for taunting down while down 20 points, “Well, it’s the Bengals.” Continue reading »

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Misery loves company.

That was Bill Cowher’s famous rallying cry the last time the Pittsburgh Steelers were eliminated from playoff contention with weeks left in their season. The final game of Coach Cowher’s legendary Steelers career came against this week’s same opponent, the Cincinnati Bengals. In that game, the Steelers had nothing to play for but Cincy needed a win in order to qualify for the post season. Thanks to an overtime touchdown pass from Ben Roethlisberger to Santonio Holmes, the Chin walked off the field one final time as a winner.

The Steelers can’t knock the Bungles out of the playoffs on Sunday night. Cincy has the AFC North well in hand with an eye toward maybe even getting one of those first round byes. And the Steelers aren’t technically eliminated from the playoffs, although it would take a nearly miraculous series of events for them to back-door into the Wild Card game. However, it’s still Cincinnati-Pittsburgh so you know both sides are going to play hard. Continue reading »

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giotd

I was going to write “But the Bungles still lose” except when you’re 2-5 and staring up at the entire division, you really shouldn’t throw stones. Such is life for fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you were busy yesterday taking your kids trick or treating or attending one of those adult Halloween bashes where you get to live out your childhood fantasy of being Batman while every woman is wearing a costume with the word “Sexy” attached (Sexy Nurse, Sexy Plumber, Sexy Maid, Sexy Butcher), you probably missed NFL Network’s Thursday Night Football. By the way, a dirty little secret of this season is the TNF games have actually been pretty damn good. They stumbled into a much better slate than ESPN got stuck with on Monday nights. It’s just hard to get used to watching NFL on days other than Sunday and Monday. Continue reading »

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AFC Standings

Despite the Pittsburgh Steelers historically bad start to the season, there has always been a small sliver of hope that all is not lost. That hope is rooted in two factors. First, the Steelers were gifted with a relatively soft schedule. And second, the AFC North isn’t setting the world on fire.

The bye week giveth and the bye week taketh away. Continue reading »

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JMM TOMLIN 11 03

Yesterday was Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin‘s weekly liefest/press conference. Since not enough Steeler fans have gotten the message what an jive-talkin’ assclown their coach truly is, I’m stealing a page from the Kissing Suzy Kolber playbook and transcribing Tomlin’s actual words from his weekly press conference so everybody can see what a goof he actually is.

Without further ado, let’s begin with Coach T’s expert analysis on why the Steelers have yet to win a game in 2013: Continue reading »

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“There’s a certain amount of misery with the position that we’re in. We’ll wear it. We don’t like it. We’ll wear it.” - Mike Tomlin

If the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-10 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals was an article of clothing, it’d be a pair of bowling shoes. Stinky ugly bowling shoes. Coach T was gracious about crediting Cincy for playing well during his post-game cliche-fest. All I’ll say is that if the Bengals are the class of the AFC North, then our division has quickly become the Big East of the NFL.

In my game preview, I mentioned this being the year quarterback Andy Dalton needed to take his game to the next level. The Ginger Rifle responded by playing a hideous game. Overthrows, underthrows, missing wide open receivers, Dalton did his best to keep the Steelers in the game. Unfortunately, the Black and Gold were in an even more charitable mood. Continue reading »

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Heeeeee’s Baaaacckkk…

Tonight marks the first meeting of the season between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals. Tonight also marks the first time ex-Steeler James Harrison will face his former team. If you watched any of HBO’s Hard Knocks series, you know Harrison is an angry man. And one has to think a portion of that anger is directed towards the Black and Gold.

Whether it was time for Deebo to move on or not, Harrison played his entire career with a chip on his shoulder. It fueled him to become a multi-time Pro Bowler despite being an undersized linebacker undrafted out of Kent State. It has also fueled his penchant for being a vicious headhunting sociopath. After years spent defending Harrison’s repeated attempts to cripple and maim opponents, tonight we’ll get a chance to see how it feels when we are that opponent. Continue reading »

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Hard Knocks featuring the Cincinnati Bengals premiered on HBO on Tuesday night. For those cheapskates out there who don’t get HBO, Hard Knocks is their yearly reality series chronicling behind the scenes of an NFL training camp. At best, the program exposes the major underlying issues facing the featured team. At worst, it exposes players as obnoxious self-promoters or serial impregnators and management as clueless putzes. Continue reading »

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