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Steelers Unveil New Uniforms, Unload Old Punter

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You know, I love football. I mean, why else would a normally sane man devote hours and hours of his free time to blogging about his favorite team instead of engaging in more productive activities such as pwning fools on Call of Duty or treating his girlfriend to a five star evening at Dave & Busters? Still, even I have to shake my head in wonder sometimes. I realize we’ve entered that traditional dead zone after free agency and before the draft where football news (and, as a result, my blog posts) slows to a trickle but are NFL fans really jonesing so badly for a hit of their favorite sport that Nike unveiling their take on the league’s official uniforms is major news?

If the Mayans were correct and the end of civilization is upon us, I can’t help but think future historians from the planet Betelgeus will someday find a tape of Tuesday’s spectacle and think, “Yep, they got what’s coming to them.” Granted, when it comes to Nike, I expect nothing less than full-on spectacle. This is, after-all, the company that buys athletes, coaches, colleges, arenas and everything else under the sun then proceeds to market the hell out of it with “attitude.” So naturally when Nike was contracted to be the NFL’s official uniform supplier, they couldn’t just debut their line during the pre-season when the players first take the field. Nope, they had to bring in a representative from every team, trot them out in full regalia, and have them parade around and answer questions like a Bizarro Miss Universe contest.

The video above gives you the basic idea of what went down. Unfortunately, the dorky looking Jimmy Olsen clone has some bizarre jealousy towards Ben Roethlisberger so we don’t get any of Big Ben’s sartorial wisdom but you still get a good look at the new Pittsburgh Steelers unis. Which is to say, the exact same uniforms they’ve worn for the past forty years. As my fashion sense is best summed up by a drawer full of Affliction t-shirts, I direct those that care about such things to UniWatch, who analyzed what specific “improvements” Nike made to each team. To be fair, I understand why many NFL fans were so eager to see Nike’s designs since Nike’s uniform department is primarily known for two things; hideous ArenaBall style unis that they think look “futuristic” and black alternate jerseys for teams whose colors aren’t ordinarily black (gotta get a piece of that lucrative gang banger market!).

Anyway, from one non-football story to another. I regret to inform my four female readers that the Steelers made a minor addition to their great off-season Purge – let’s call it a Spit-Up – by cutting ties with punter Dreamy Daniel Sepulveda. They didn’t exactly cut Seppy, he’s a free agent who was simply told they had no interest in re-signing, although the effect is the same. Sepulveda was a fourth round draft pick back in 2007 who suffered one season ending injury after the other throughout his disappointing career. In 2008, it was a torn ACL, his ACL went kablooey again in 2010, while last year he simply tore the cartilage in his knee.

I still can’t get over Kevin Colbert drafting Sepulveda in the FOURTH ROUND?!?! If you’re going to waste a draft pick on a non-football player, at least spend it on something worthwhile like Jacksonville’s awesome mascot or the semi-hot Bengals cheerleader accused of boinking a high school student. Punters and kickers should never ever be drafted because the purpose of the draft is to procure football players. You could go to a local high school and find a kid capable of doing what the average kicker or punter does. The career difference in average yards per punt between Sepulveda, a mid-round draft pick and two time college punter of the year, and his replacement, the undrafted Jeremy Kapinos, is .5 yards. POINT FIVE YARDS.

And before anybody says, “Geez, Chris, relax. It was a fourth round pick,” ever hear of a guy named Antonio Brown? He was picked in the sixth round.