Nov 062013
 

 

Welcome to our weekly recap/analysis of Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin‘s press conference. Things got a bit testy this week as it evidently took the New England Patriots dropping 55 points on our hometown team for the local media to finally show some balls. Not surprisingly, Tomlin responded to any hard questions with his usual bag of condescension and arrogance. The fact he seemingly gets pissed when anybody dares question one of his decisions or statements makes me wonder what he’d do if he coached in a city where the reporters weren’t a bunch of glad-handing cheerleaders ninety percent of the time.

Of course, if he coached in a city with actual reporters, the fact he’s a lousy head coach would’ve been revealed years ago. Anyway, on with this week’s presser which you can watch yourself by clicking here.

Obviously we were beaten soundly

Obviously.

This week’s Obviously Count: 22

More than anything we were beaten. It happens from time to time.

Except when your opponent scores 55 points against you, which has happened NEVER.

Really, I think that’s your knee jerk response after a performance like that.

Clearly going 2-6 and surrendering 55 points is no time for knee jerk responses.

So why did we lose in such historic fashion, Coach?

When you get beat like that it’s a myriad of things.

Yeah, ill-prepared players. Lack of talent. Shitty coaching. Lousy effort.

Speaking of which, what do you have to say about the team laying down and quitting like a bunch of low down dirty egg-sucking dogs?

There weren’t any blatant disregard or blatant breaches of effort

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LOOK AT THAT ONE GUY SWARM TO THE BALL!

There was some tight coverages on some of those plays

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Amendola TD

AIR TIGHT COVERAGE~!!

We’re a group that still believes that there’s some good football ahead of us.

And I believe I’m going to check my voice mail tomorrow and find a message from Scarlett Johannson asking if I’d like to accompany her to the premiere of Thor then hit Jack in the Box on the way back to her place.

Guess what? We’re both delusional!

Now on to the first of our two contenders for the Jean-Luc Picard Idiotic Reporter Question of the Week:

What do you have to do to be the team we’ve seen the last six or seven years

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For the love of Pete, will somebody ask about the Steelers’ problems!

I wouldn’t characterize it as chronic problems

NFL Players Rookie Premiere Photoshoot

Of course not. The Steelers got rid of the guy with chronic problems.

If that were the case I’d think you’d identify it quickly and make the necessary changes.

This is an LOL worthy statement from Tomlin. When have they ever done that? If the coaching staff identified problems quickly and made necessary changes, Isaac “1 Yard Per Carry” Redman wouldn’t have started three games.

But there have been popcorn, if you will, of a variety of things that produce the end result

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I have literally no idea what Tomlin said there.

We’re not opposed to turning over any stone to change the end result.

So we’ll be seeing some new faces in the line-up?

It doesn’t necessarily mean there’ll be broad sweeping changes.

Guess not. Why change what’s clearly not working?

But it means we’re open to it and I think that’s the appropriate approach to take.

I love when Tomlin inadvertently exposes himself as the lying doofus he is. What he said in the last three contradictory statements basically boils down to, “I’ll do whatever it takes to win but I’m not going to change my losing formula. Still, I’ll talk about making changes that’ll never come because it sounds good.”

He [Sean Spence] did some good things [at practice]. We’ll put our heads together at the appropriate time

For the past five weeks, at least one person every press conference asks about linebacker Sean Spence like he’s the second coming of James Farrior. I have ignored these questions because who cares about some short little third round pick who has never played a single NFL game. STOP ASKING ABOUT SEAN SPENCE YOU ASSCLOWNS! THE TEAM IS CRASHING AND BURNING IN FRONT OF US AND YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER PLAYED A SNAP!??! NOBODY GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT SEAN SPENCE!

Edelman is a very dangerous return man that’s got a very vertical approach to his return game

As opposed to our return men who run…in zig zags? Is there any other approach to returning kicks than to catch the ball and run down the field? Tomlin’s grasp of the game is truly dizzying.

You know who we have that also has a vertical approach to returning kicks? Emmanuel Sanders. Unfortunately, they’d rather let Antonio “Fair Catch” Brown handle it. Guess Tomlin is keeping Sanders in his hip pocket like he did that super special 2 point conversion play he saved for a year and a half.

Speaking of AB, I noticed he didn’t play that final series. Who decided to bench him?

That was my decision

Why?

We weren’t getting quality execution from an assignment standpoint. It created an interception.

Oh, so AB was the bonehead who ran the wrong route on Ben Roethlisberger‘s second pick.

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Instead of continuing to absorb negativity from that standpoint I chose to remove him from the game.

Antonio Brown – Negativity Sponge!

That’s your number one receiver. $40 million well spent.

Speaking of big expenditures, is it wise to have your $100 million franchise quarterback who is already being sacked at a record pace out there chucking passes down 24 with two minutes left?

You know I haven’t pondered any big picture thoughts

Of course you haven’t. This is our head coach folks.

I know he’s capable of playing winning football for us this week and that’s been my focus

Wait… You left Ben in a lost cause game to potentially get seriously injured because he could lead you to victory this weekend? That doesn’t make any sense.

You know, we manage his [Le’Veon Bell’s] snap count

Oh, you do ponder the big picture. Evidently, it’s important to have a plan in place to preserve the health of their injury prone mediocre rookie running back but when it comes to the franchise quarterback, nah, screw him.

These guys aren’t just incompetent, they’re really dumb.

Obviously, we believe Jonathan [Dwyer] is a viable option for us

Was he a viable option when you cut him?

Tell us, Coach T, aren’t you concerned about the horrific play of your two safeties?

Not a concern.

Really? You won’t even ask Troy Polamalu to maybe do a little less freelancing since it’s become clear Ryan Clark runs like he’s got a microphone stuck up his ass and can’t cover for him anymore?

Um, no man.

In other words, we’re going to keep doing what we’ve been doing, results be damned. What was that about turning over stones?

How about Dick LeBeau. Are you still confident in his defense after getting blown off the field?

Certainly

Why?

Because he’s Dick Lebeau. Does that answer your question?

Tomlin got MEGA-pissed at the reporter for asking him about LeBeau. Look, I just wrote a five page essay about why LeBeau shouldn’t be fired so I’m not going to say he’s at fault for last week’s debacle. At the same time, shouldn’t the head coach exert a little authority over his coordinators?

This just goes to show you what a sham the Tomlin regime has been. He inherited Bill Cowher‘s talent and Bill Cowher’s coaching staff. All he had to do was sit back and let LeBeau and Arians do their thing. Now that the bottom has fallen out and he’s called on to actually do some COACHING his answer is to throw up his hands and say, “It’s Dick LeBeau! Dick LeBeau will fix it!”

Maybe Dick LeBeau can’t fix it because you’ve handed him a bunch of lousy players and asked him to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Who should we blame for these terrible drafts?

I take responsibility for the players that we have drafted since I’ve been here

You do? What about General Manager Kevin Colbert?

I take responsibility for the players that we have drafted since I’ve been here

Ah, so what you’re saying is you’re responsible for the players that we have drafted since you’ve been here? Please tell that to the rapidly dwindling number of blind Tomlin worshipers who still think you’re a good coach and place all blame for his fiasco on Colbert.

So there’s really no new news there

There’s really no news at all to emerge from the Tomlin press conference. The team stinks, they’re going nowhere and the coach’s game plan is to keep doing what they have been doing. That is if Tomlin was actually involved in setting the game plans. At this point, I wonder if he does much of anything outside of watching game tape and handing Le’Veon Bell cookies for good effort.

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