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Another Dismal Super Bowl For Steelers Fans

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I’ve watched every minute of every Super Bowl from the opening kick-off through the trophy presentation since the New York Giants crushed the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXI way back in 1987. Except for last year. Oh, I watched the entire game, from the embarrassing power outage all the way until the blatant pass interference that ended the San Francisco 49ers comeback bid. Immediately after that ridiculous non-call, I turned on my PS3 and set to blowing stuff up because I’d rather have a colonic with a rusty drainpipe than watch the Baltimore Ravens hoist the Lombardi Trophy.

Between the Brothers Harbaugh meeting in a battle of epic assholes to the endless stories about what a gift to humanity Stabby McStabberson Ray Lewis has been since the pesky little murder he aided and abetted ten years ago, they couldn’t have picked a worse Super Bowl for fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

This year’s match-up won’t be the Worst Super Bowl Ever but it’ll be damn close.Read More »Another Dismal Super Bowl For Steelers Fans

Steelers Sign Psychotic Punter

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For those of you who watched the Cincinnati Bengal‘s glorious playoff debacle, you may have noticed a familiar face wearing the prison stripes. No, not James Harrison, who made sure to get in one last personal foul cheap shot for old time’s sake. I’m talking about punter Zoltan Mesko, who was signed to replace Terence Garvin victim Kevin Huber. Mesko, you may or may not remember, was the ex-Patriots punter who revealed he couldn’t kick his way out of a wet paper bag once he joined the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Mesko’s replacement was an Australian journeyman named Mat McBriar. McBriar wasn’t much of an improvement over Mesko although he sure threw a sweet pass on a fake punt against the Packers. His actual punting ranged from mediocre to terrible, though, so it’s no surprise the Steelers are already looking elsewhere for his replacement. As long as they don’t draft a punter. I don’t think my blood pressure could take it if they wasted another pick on a glorified soccer player.Read More »Steelers Sign Psychotic Punter

Steelers Fire Jack Bicknell

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Catching up on some stuff I missed last week, it was announced late Friday night that the Pittsburgh Steelers had fired offensive line coach Jack Bicknell Jr. This announcement came as a bit of a surprise to most as Bicknell has generally been credited for doing a pretty good job this season. If there was ever an example of making chicken salad out of chicken shit, what Bicknell did with our crew of journeymen and underachievers was it. I can’t fathom how much more the Steelers expected from him.

That is, if he was coaching the line at all. Our old friend Ian Rappaport, through his ever-popular “anonymous team source” – who we know is just the kid in the Steely McBeam costume feeding that nobody bogus scoops – tweeted that he heard Bicknell had been stripped of all on-field duties by the end of the year. While not a single one of the crack local beat reporters bothered to report this during the season, Jerry Dulac at the P-G did mention – shortly before Rappaport broke his “news” – that he had heard offensive line assistant Shaun Sarrett had taken over around mid-season. If that’s true, I guess we already know who the next O-line coach is.Read More »Steelers Fire Jack Bicknell

Thanks For Showing Up, Bengals

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This past weekend was a bittersweet affair for fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. On Saturday, we had the pleasure of watching the well-rested Kansas City Chiefs piss away a 28 point led like fat schlub Andy Reid pisses away his time outs. Even if KC had managed to win, they wouldn’t have had any players left after losing approximately 29 different players over the course of the game. Gee, it sure was a smart move to bench all your starters that final week of the season, wasn’t it you walrus-faced assclown? When are idiot NFL head coaches going to learn taking a week off NEVER HELPS?

I do have to admit, Andy Reid schadenfreude is the best schadenfreude.Read More »Thanks For Showing Up, Bengals

Week 17 Recap: Fresh Out Of Miracles

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The picture above is of Kansas City Chiefs kicker Ryan Succop. Or, as he’ll be forever known in the Steel City, the Most Hated Man In Pittsburgh. You have ONE JOB, assclown. Although I suppose there is some poetry to the season ending because of a spectacular special teams FAIL.

On a side note, only the Pittsburgh Steelers could get screwed over by the referees in a game they weren’t even playing. Even worse, they got jobbed TWICE. That’s some superior trolling by Roger Goodell. Bring back the replacement refs!

As you may have noticed, I have yet to talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-7 victory over the Cleveland Browns. That’s because it was the epitome of a forgettable game. Yeah, the Black and Gold had to win to keep their slim playoff chances alive but there was little doubt they’d do that. Beyond the easy W, there was little of note beyond some personal statistical goals and perhaps the chance to see Steeler legends (Troy Polamalu, Bret Keisel) play their final game at Heinz Field.  Read More »Week 17 Recap: Fresh Out Of Miracles

Know Thy Enemy: Cleveland Browns

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Welcome back. I hope everybody had a great Christmas. If you’re anything like me, I’m sure it included at least one piece of Pittsburgh Steelers related swag. At this point, I think I have more Black and Gold related dvds than NFL Films.

With time running out in both the year 2013 and the 2013 NFL season, I think we should pick up where we left off on Monday. Thanks to an improbable set of circumstances last Sunday, the Steelers are still mathematically alive for the AFC Playoffs. In order for them to leapfrog three teams and earn the second Wild Card slot, there are only three games we need to keep an eye on.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Cleveland Browns

Week 16 Recap: Die Another Day

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Talk about living a charmed life. In my preview for yesterday’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers, I ended by wondering what would happen if the Steelers’ slim playoff hopes were already extinguished by kickoff. Well, not only did every single domino fall their way in the early games, the New England Patriots did them a solid by hammering the Baltimore Ravens later in the afternoon. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the Black and Gold are still mathematically alive for the AFC Playoffs.

It’s a Christmas Miracle.

Of course, it would’ve all been moot had the Steelers not taken care of business by defeating the Packers. Their 38-31 victory was a wild affair featuring a little bit of everything: good offense, good defense, weather porn, special teams trickeration, a heart-stopping finish, and crooked referees doing their best to screw Pittsburgh over. It was the football version of a WWE wrestling match. And in the end, the good guys won.Read More »Week 16 Recap: Die Another Day

Know Thy Enemy: Green Bay Packers

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When the Pittsburgh Steelers take to the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field on Sunday afternoon to face the Green Bay Packers, their slim playoff hopes may have already been dashed. Unless the Dolphins lose to the Bills and the Jets beat the Browns earlier in the day, the last two games of the season will officially be meaningless. Which is probably for the best because a high draft pick is more important to the Steelers future than a pointless Wild Card game anyway. Not that a playoff game is likely with the improbable set of dominoes which must fall in precise order to get the Black and Gold into the post-season.

I tried explaining the AFC’s playoff scenario earlier this week. I’ll try to sum it up again briefly. Basically, Miami’s head to head victory means the Steelers cannot overtake them. However, the rules for breaking a tie between 3 or more teams state that first you match division foes up with each other and eliminate teams until each division is only represented by one team. Then you start the process over again with the remaining teams. That’s why the Jets must win out – if they end the season tied with Miami (and us), they do us the favor of eliminating them by virtue of a better division record just like we do the Ravens.

Like I said, improbable to say the least. Meanwhile, our Super Bowl XLV opponents, the Packers, are in a far less complicated playoff battle of their own. They need this game every bit as much as we do. Although they’ll be going into the game without their biggest gun.Read More »Know Thy Enemy: Green Bay Packers

Terence Garvin Fined $25,000 For Annihilating Punter

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When I was a kid, I wrote letters to Santa. Times really have changed. What that young Bengals fan doesn’t realize – besides the fact he’s in for a lifetime of disappointment – is that success is the best revenge.

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Terence Garvin was slapped with a $25,000 fine for destroying Cincinnati Bengals punter Kevin Huber last Sunday night. C’mon, you didn’t really think Roger Goodell was going to let a Steeler get away with laying somebody out on national TV, did you? With a defense full of pansies and lousy tacklers, the Ginger Dictator has had precious few opportunities to indulge his favorite hobby of fining Steelers for playing football this season. His catered lunch slush fund must be dwindling dangerously low.Read More »Terence Garvin Fined $25,000 For Annihilating Punter

Woodley Out For Season

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The Pittsburgh Steelers placed linebacker LaMarr Woodley on injured reserve yesterday, thus ending his 2013 season. I know what you’re thinking, “Woodley played this season?” I can barely remember myself.

In my recap of Sunday night’s game, I mentioned Woodley falling farther faster than nearly any player I can remember. He was an absolute beast his first three seasons, amassing 35 sacks playing opposite James Harrison. Since signing a six year $61 million extension in 2011, however, he’s been a shadow of his former self. Surely a lot of it has to do with the decline and eventual departure of Deebo, who was one of the best linebackers of the current era. But a lot also has to do with the whispers of Woodley being a lazy unmotivated fatass whose near constant stream of injuries are directly related to his poor work ethic.Read More »Woodley Out For Season